Battling my demons...literally

I don't know any easy way to explain this.  According to my beliefs I don't necessarily believe in ghosts per se- we believe that until the second coming spirits who are separated from the bodies (died) will reside in spirit paradise or spirit prison according to the type of life they life on earth.  Heavenly Father does grant some of these spirits the ability to show themselves to others, but it is not a "haunting", it is most often to aid or deliver a message to someone who needs it.  We also believe in angels but those sightings are even more rare.  Then there are the demons.  In what we call the premortal life, there was a great meeting in heaven where Heavenly Father decided we needed to be sent to earth and to be tested. There was great discussion as to how that was to be accomplished but there were basically two plans. Lucifer said that he would force everyone to make the right decisions and so then he would receive all the glory. Jesus said he would let everyone choose for themselves but that he would lead a perfect life and sacrifice himself, paying the price for the sins we would make so that if we would repent we could live with Him someday. A battle ensued between those who followed Jesus ans those who followed Lucifer. 1/3 of God's children decided to follow Satan and chose not to receive bodies. These are demons and they uphold Satan's works today.  Everyone else who has ever lived on earth or will live decided to follow Jesus's plan and therefore had the great blessing to receive a body.

So since I think a haunting would be contradictory to Heavenly Father's plan of happiness, I must attribute my recent experiences to those demons.  We know from the bible that Jesus cast out devils from man and sent them into pigs who then ran off of a cliff.  I have never been possessed but from this scripture I know that demons sometimes mess with us like that.

My first experience was when I was 14. When it happened I didn't tell anyone about it because I  was afraid that admitting it out loud would make it worse.  In the middle of the night something shook my bed, and it shook for a while.  I didn't open my eyes to see what it was.  I ran to my parents room saying that something was in my room and my Dad broke out the louisville slugger and went to town looking underneath my bed for an animal even though I knew  there was no animal in there. Needless to say I spent the night in my parents room.  Since  then I have had the bed shake maybe four or five times.  Not too bad considering it's been ten years since the first time but the worst is not knowing when it's going to happen.

Then after Dennis was born, he got up in the middle of the night and was screaming his head off.  It was a scream unlike any I had heard before. I went to his room and he was pointing at the corner of his room.  I managed to calm him down and put him back to bed but then as Scott and I went back to sleep we saw our room darken with shadow  very noticeably.  In another case, I awoke because someone was closing my nose shut making it hard for me to breathe, and then I heard someone say my name.

Last year Dennis said that a monster was shaking his bed. Since he had never heard my story this concerned me because I knew he couldn't just make this up.  It worries me that he is experiencing things like this so young, much younger than I did.

Now that I am older I am much more sensitive to how things feel. I can go into a room and recognize immediate peace and comfort when the spirit of God is present.  I can recognize when something not as welcoming is there too.  I feel like what I'm dealing with is not attached to location, though, because it seems to happen no matter where I go.

Since moving to our new apartment, I have felt several times that there is something there. It's not always present but it does come.  I feel it several ways 1) It's as if all sound leave a the room 2) cold chills up and down my body 3) overwhelmingly and suddenly nauseous.  I will have one or a combination of those three things combined with a feeling of dread.  I have been awakened several times in the middle of the night by noises here.   I am able to go back to sleep because of Scott's presence and the fact that he holds the priesthood makes me feel safe.  However since he has been working the graveyard shift and leaving me to sleep alone at night, the "visits" have become more frequent.

 At 5:00 in the morning a few weeks ago I was awakened by a sound coming from my right and I could have swore I thought I saw Dennis go into our closet. When I went to go get him out of there, nothing was there.  Dennis was asleep in his room.

I haven't been able to sleep because I am halfway waiting for the signs that something is there, even though I feel like there is nothing I can do if something comes.  I am so exhausted and tired from fear, anxiety, and worry and lack of sleep that I feel hopeless.

Last night I wasn't able to fall asleep until 4:00am.  I woke up from a dead sleep at 4:30. I don't know what woke me up but I remember that I was sitting.  I rolled over and started trying to go back to sleep but felt really uncomfortable.  It felt like something was wrong. I was sweating underneath the covers because it is so humid here.  Then at 5:00am I felt cold chills and the sound left the room and I knew there was something right beside me. I felt it around me and I told it no.  Or I tried to say no but it came out as a tiny squeak.  I tried saying a prayer, I tried sneaking into Dennis' room to sleep, I tried cleaning. Nothing made me feel more comfortable and every time I walked back into my room I had cold chills.  I finally announced out loud that I was pretty cranky at having to be up and that I didn't appreciate this.  That's when I heard banging noises coming from all over the apartment. I walked past the laundry room and heard hissing noises.  So I went all around the apartment and threw all the lights on, turned Pandora on the tv and set it to my Mormon tabernacle choir station and furiously cleaned so I wouldn't be driven crazy by the fear. When Scott got home we rededicated the apartment and he gave me another blessing that said I would be safe from evil and given the strength to fight off the spirits and that I am stronger than they are and they know it.

I feel better but still a little apprehensive.  I am desperate for answers and solutions.  I don't understand why heavenly Father would allow this to happen to me.  I did feel like I needed to share my experiences though, so I figured by sharing my story I can either get answers or help others who may be dealing with similar problems, for I remember a few years ago I sent a message to one of the people on the Mormon help websites and told them my bed shaking problem. The reply I got was from a young missionary who said he didn't know what to tell me, but that it happens to his sister too.  My family seems to have a sensitivity towards it, since all of my siblings have paranormal experiences,and so does my mother and it seems like Dennis may be sensitive as well.  I am at my wit's end and a lot of people keep telling me that fear only makes it worse but I don't know how to stop myself from being afraid.  I feel like I am doing everything I can but I am still being plagued by this.  I know courage is not the absence of fear, but action in spite of that fear.  I feel like I am at least being courageous ny facing it every night even though my situation grows more bleak to me.  I know God loves me and I know there is a reason for this.  Hopefully my sharing this will help someone and maybe that is the reason for this happening.

I do feel comforted in knowing that because I am doing everything I can, possession is mot an option.  I am not inviting it in any way, and it is probably just the fear of the unknown that haunts me the worst.  I know that Satan and his followers have no power of you unless you give it to them and I don't feel like I am doing that, but I just want to feel safe in my own home, whether Scott is there or not.  So I will try harder to make my home a place where the spirit can dwell, a place where everyone can find refuge from those nasty spirits.  For me that means that if I won't let Dennis watch a show or movie I shouldn't watch it either.  I will try not to yell as much and I will try to use kinder words.  Maybe the Holy Ghost will help fend off whatever may be bothering me, but at the least it will give me confidence that I am doing everything in my power to keep it at bay.

Hoping to get some good sleep tonight.....

Spiders, spider man, and pee, OH MY!

Figured that I might as well document my midnight escapades since I am now wide awake. Scott has been working graveyard shift these last couple weeks which has been hard on my beauty sleep since I am used to sleeping with his snores and his weird antics in the middle of the night where he thinks I am his Mom.

So tonight I have been trying to sleep since 11:30 and was just beginning to drift off into the land of crazy dreams where I rob banks in my spider man outfit and my Mom drives the getaway car when I hear Dennis calling for me.

So I drag myself away from the dream where my butt looks fantastic as I commit crime and go to my son who is laying at the foot of his bed and has wet the bed.

So I heave a huge sigh and go to the bathroom to start the bath for him. I go back for Dennis and bring him to the bathroom where he promptly points out a huge brown spider where my vulnerable feet were mere seconds before. Shudders.

Then Dennis becomes so scared of the spider even though I calmly tell him that the spider is more afraid of him than he is of it, that he literally gets the pee scared out of him.

So now I am standing here dealing with a huge spider which may or may not be poisonous and a pee filled floor and the bathtub is still running and Dennis is whimpering in the corner so I am trying to decide which to tackle first.

I think about how I could safely get the spider out the front door without endangering myself and I yield no answers that involve me not coming within 6 feet of that nasty thing so I obviously have to kill it.

 I retrieve the raid and spray it to death.

 Now I have pee and bug poison on the floor.

So I strip Dennis of his clothes and lift that 60 lb sack of sugar into the bathtub so he doesn't touch the poison or anything. I set myself to changing sheets, and then I dispose of the dead spider, and mop the floor several times before getting Dennis out of the bath and into fresh jammies and back into bed.  This whole process takes about 45 minutes.

Moment of silence for the spider.

Moment of silence for my sleep.

I will now spend the next hour or two trying to get back to the place where I look fantastic in my spider man outfit, since I don't have the normal snores and/or the yelling at me to get out of the room because he needs five more minutes before school from Scott to lull me to sleep.

Catching Up (Again)

Holy cow! I cannot believe that it has been almost a year since I have updated this thing.  Kinda pathetic.  Anyway, I figured this would be a good time to update on things that have happened to our family since the last time I posted. 

Well it looks the last time I wrote I was doing childcare and we were still in Sierra Vista.  In February or March I was asked to help out a women's choir directed by the infamous Jean Perry.  I have worked with her and her husband before when I was in the Regional Choir in high school and it was just as awesome as the first time I worked with her.  That really added on to my work load, but I definitely do not regret taking the time to do something that was enjoyable and for myself! I continued doing childcare and piano lessons until April.  We had been applying for full time jobs (a job where Scott could get health insurance benefits) all over the place.  It wasn't until one of Scott's managers suggested that Scott apply for a job opening in Douglas, Arizona and said that he would personally recommend him that we had any success.  At the beginning of April, 2012 Scott had the interview and was subsequently hired to begin working at the Douglas hospital (Southeast Arizona Medical Center).  We got full time benefits (paid time off, sick days, and health insurance) and most importantly Scott was going to be trained on the CT machines.  So I gave my notice for childcare and all of my piano students were also notified and I began packing up our things for our third move for the year. 

We arrived in Douglas at the end of April.  We had a hard time finding a place... I would have thought that since we were going to be moving to a town that did not have any military that the rent would have been lower.  I was sorely mistaken!  The economy in Douglas is very bad because it is a border city.  The Mexico border literally lies right in the middle of the city.  So even though we literally had only pennies to our name, we looked rich to these people.  We managed to find a decent house that was bigger than anything I have ever had.  The house is so big the owner has split the house up, making what should have been our dining room into a studio apartment that he rents off separately.  We also do not have access to what should have been an office space, but that the owner has closed off for his personal storage use, and we also do not have access to the basement/cellar.  I thought it would be weird to have all of these people coming and going from our house all the time, but you would hardly even know that anyone else was living here.

Living Room/Dining Room area (Fireplace)

Kitchen - You can't see it, but those sinks are really deep.  From the angle this picture is coming from, there are about 25 more cabinets unseen.

Front view of the house, on our preliminary viewing of it.

That little catepillar has been tracking Dennis' height ever since we was born.  I thought it would be a good idea to have a garden for when we have more catepillars.

This is our media room.  Dennis was helping me unpack.

Here you get a nice view of our backyard.  Behind the fence there we have a line of apartments that are behind our house.  Like I said, in Douglas the economy is bad and everyone basically lives on top of each other here.

Here is a view of the door leading in to our media/family room.  Window crayons are fun for Mommy and Dennis!

Dennis' Room.  This view is easily my most favorite in the house.  I would want this one to be mine, were it not for the four closets in my room, haha.

Another view of Dennis' room.

He sleeps nestled in the corner :)

This is a picture the owners took of the living room/dining room with their furniture.
 

The part of the house that we do have access to is still 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath.  The master bedroom and Dennis' room are both upstairs, along with the half bathroom.  There is a bathroom in the master bedroom that has an odd space in it that we aren't sure what do with and as of today it is still empty.  It isn't very high, but it is long enough to put a couch in.  We have four closets in our master bedroom, one of which is a huge walk in closet with built in shelves that use for shoes, etc.  Dennis' room has four big windows in it and a big closet also.  It's huge... big enough to put like five little brother or sisters in there (yeah right).  Then the third bedroom is downstairs, we use it for a media/family room.  In this room there is are two doors, one leading to laundry room, and one leading to the third bathroom.  We have a storage area underneath the stairs, and we then we have a huge living room and dining room area where there is a fireplace (unusable) and we keep our piano and table here.  This area has huge windows letting in plenty of sun (which is good during the winter...not so much during the summer).  Then we proceed to the kitchen, which will probably be the biggest kitchen I will ever have in my life, complete with brand new stainless steel appliances and more cabinets than I really need and a huge pantry.  We also have a big backyard that we could now use to get a grill and a swing set for Dennis.  This house was originally renting for $1150 a month.  Because the owner required a certain credit score to rent the house, not many people in Douglas could qualify so he had lowered the rent all the way down to $850 by the time we got there and this includes water.  This spring I will have a garden so I am excited to grow my own produce.  :) 

So Scott began working at the hospital but our insurance wouldn't kick in until August, 2012, pending Scott's successful completion of the probationary period.  Now at the time I was using four vials of insulin in my pump per month and each vial of insulin costs $125 each without insurance.  Needless to say we couldn't afford that in the slightest.  Thankfully, the church was able to help us out with that.  They gave us over $400 a month just to pay for my insulin.  That was a huge lifesaver.  My parents helped us move in my first piano, and I began to build up my piano teaching business in Douglas.  That was kind of a joke because the economy here is so bad, no one can afford lessons, and no one really even has a piano.  Also, I was known for my piano in Sierra Vista, and I was having to build my reputation here in Douglas from scratch so it was hard to get the word out.  In June I finally got my first student.  Since then I have gotten quite a few more, but it was still very hard to go from having two okay incomes than to move here we were basically at one income again for several months. 

In May I passed my managerial accounting class with an A.  During the summer I enrolled in a Database class.  The things I learned there would have been very helpful for during the time when I worked as a legal secretary.  Poor Bill!  :-)  After I passed the database class with flying colors, I decided to take a break from school because I was burnt out.  It was a mistake to take that class during the summer, I should have taken it during the 2012 fall semester.  Anyway, during the time I was not in school, I was still quite busy.  Almost immediately after we moved there, I got swept up into primary again.  I was called to be the primary pianist (for those who read this who aren't members, primary encompasses the children age 3-11) and the Faith in God leader (which is girls activity days during the week, age 8-11).   Soon after that, the current choir director at Douglas got engaged to be married and moved away and then the choir was left without a director.  Now, I am just fine with sitting in the choir and singing.  I never had any intentions of directing anything, but the members of the church choir said that if I did not do it, no one else would.  So choir director is now my unofficial third calling. 

Being choir director for a ward in an area that is not really exposed to musical things like piano or singing has been especially difficult.  Not to mention the fact that since I moved to being director there was no one to play the piano for the choir because I used to do it.  Now I kind of just do my best at teaching them the things they need to know from the piano and then they just kind of have to do their best when they perform on Sundays.  It has been a learning experience for them and for me.  I feel like I have broadened their understanding musically, but I have also learned some things.  My fourth unofficial calling has been to play the organ for the worship part of church on Sunday.  This one is really no big deal, except for if I am gone, no one can play the organ.  So I went from having one boring calling in Sierra Vista to having four in Douglas.  I thought I would be giving myself a break from school but it was really just so I would have room to do these fifty thousand other things. 

Dennis had a fabulous birthday party in August.  I can't believe he is already four....

Party Hall is set up and ready to go!

Spider Man Pinata!

It's fun to talk about deep things during a party.  Also sign me up for a balloon pillow the next time.

My feebly-made Spider Man cake...

Bean bag chair, blankie and doggie from Nonnie and Poppie. (What he calls my Mom and Dad)
 

Homemade Pin the Spidey game.   The kids loved it!  We even invited some friends over who hadn't been able to make it to the party and we played it again.  I am so keeping this for years to come! 

A Happy Birthday Mater mask from Grandma Kathy :)

We had a bunch of fun at Halloween...

I was the Bride of Frakenstein

Check out my Martha Stewart skills.

Frakendoor!

Spidey web!

Cheap and fun!  Milk jug ghosts.

Scary Window Ghost!

Garden Ghosties!

Craft time at a friend's house!  Marshmallow pictures I think.

Pudding graveyards.

Pudding graveyards again.

I walk a few blocks to the library on Thursday mornings every week for story time with the kids.  They made a spider this time and he loved it!  He said he was going to hide this under my bed so he would scare me. 
 

The character Numbers I made for the church cupcake walk

The board I made for the church Halloween activity, painted by the Young Women, modeled by the lovely Dennis Anderson.

You have to be creative with the costumes when you're poor.  This might have cost me all of $0.99 and Dennis loved all the balloons. 

Side view.  In hind sight, not a very practical costume.. for potty or for sitting down.  Oh well.

Scotty was Frakenstein.
 

As the night wore on his costume lost balloons.  But he won the most creative costume award!

The cupcakes made by the Young Men for the cupcake walk.

Cupcake walk!

Dennis has gotten really good at drawing faces... on all of my paper plates.  Oh well, I saved the best ones and made a Halloween decoration out of them :)

When Halloween actually came we decided to reuse my Bride of Frakenstein sheet to make a ghost costume for Dennis.  Easy peasy.

Our meager Christmas decorations that had always filled up our tiny apartments before do not even do this house justice. 

I made this house out of a box we got, and then for Christmas we put papers on there to make it look like a gingerbread house.

This was a present from Nonnie.  Look at the concentration on his face.

My little train engineer is happy with the finished product.

Our Christmas decorations

Well hello blue candycane face!

I held my first Douglas Christmas piano recital.  I only had six students who were ready to perform at that time and only five actually made it.  I still had 32 people come to the recital, though, so hopefully it was at least some good advertising. 

This is how I had the chairs set up for the piano recital.  There were only two empty seats.  :)

So now after another humble Christmas on our end, we begin a new year.  We have been hearing rumors at Scott's work about hour cut backs and we have had some problems with the insurance, meaning the hospital has not been able to afford paying the premiums, even though they are withheld from the employee checks, and last week Scott was given a paper check instead of having it electronically deposited, because the hospital was not able to cover everyone's payroll.  So we are putting feelers out there again but hoping for the best.  I don't want to have to move again.  I am so sick and tired of moving.  I also do not want to have to establish my piano lesssons in another city, because that will take a lot of time again. 

At any rate, I think this catches me up.  Again I make a feeble promise to be better at keeping this blog updated on a regular basis.  We shall see whether I can actually follow through!  :) 

Some other highlights of our year:

Dennis decorated our floor for us in our old apartment.  At least it wasn't sharpie, just a dry erase marker.  It came off pretty easily.

Aunties make the best pillows.

Easter time was at my Grandmother's house this year.  Her backyard is big and full of hiding spots.

Poppie and Papa watch the Easter fun.

Nonnie and Poppie took Dennis on a picnic one day so I could go to a friend's baby shower.

I conquer my fear of (it's not heights, exactly, it's teetering high above the ground on a questionably stable piece of equipment) heights to ride with Dennis on the Ferris Wheel.

Look how handsome he got for church.  Look how high my laundry pile is.  This was back in our apartment in Sierra Vista.

Poppie looks like he is warming his back, but he is actually guarding the fire against the little pyromaniac.

For my Dad's birthday, my sister and I pranked him.  Boy, he was MAD!

Side view of the party truck.



Yes, that is a truck bed full of balloons. Mobile play place.

 

Dennis likes to decorate my furniture with cars.  I'm okay with that.

This is the cake my Seester made for one of her friends.  If you don't watch the Office, you won't get it. 

Grandma Kathy came to visit in March when we still lived in our apartment in Sierra Vista. She read to him a nap time story.  :)

Yes, sometimes I need to use my pillow to prop my feet up also.

The Birthday cake I made for my Mom.

Walrus faces at McDonalds with Auntie Hollie.

Oh HAIL no!  Hail in July?  Craziness. 

Auntie Hollie's splendid birthday cake.

My Mother's Day card from Denny! 

I made a felt board for Family Home Evening lessons.  Sadly, this one about the creation is the only one that has been made so far...

The sign I made for my Piano Lessons to hang outside the house.  It only lasted a month or two...

Over the summer we had an accident with the hair clippers.  Dennis went bald for the first time.  He was a good sport about it.

Spot the Baldie!

This is silly Scotty from our Thanksgiving Tombstone adventure.

Living it up with some real cowboys.

Dennis and Poppie learn about Tombstone history.

An Anderson family reunion.  (From left to right, my Aunt Yvonne, my Uncle Billy, my Grandma Terry, and my Dad)

Dennis makes friends on his beanbag chair.

At a story time in December.  Weirdest Santa ever.  He spoke with a lisp, the poor thing and his long blonde hair stuck out the from his Santa hat.

Best Day Ever!

My crazy boys at a Father's Day picnic.

Nonnie got him a butterfly kit.  So he's ready to catch butterflies.......safely, I guess.

These are my lovely anniversary flowers from.... not from Scott. He did not get me flowers.  These are from my leetle Seester.

I got a late start on teaching Dennis how to write his name.  Now I finally have time to do it!  :)

Window marker advertising.  This replaced the other sign when it got too faded.  It also cost me a big fat goose egg to make.

There's a little vaquero inside every 28 year old man, apparently.

We found this at Walmart... all alone and unprotected.  He was so excited to see the huge tires.

The bean bag chair has become his new comfort thing.  Poor little guy was sleeping on it when he got sick.

This is called swinging on the Nonnie hammock. 

My Faith in God girls were having a dance party.

This is what happens when Dennis goes unsupervised during choir practice... Babysitting, anyone?

I lost a total of 35 pounds last year.  I'll just keep on plugging along to lose more!

He learned how to make the I love you sign with his hand!  :)

He LOVES bubbles just like his Mommy!

It's not often I get to cuddle with this little hyper guy!

We learned what happens when you aren't nice to kitties....

Story time at the library!  She always has to tell him to scoot back or sit down because he's so tall.

We drove to Bisbee to find a little snow pile to play with.  He's so excited to hold snow for the first time!

I had enough snow to make a snowman..!!

Awww he's so handsome!

Santa's brownie and carrots.

Dennis was happy with his haul from Santa!  :)

Nonnie helps Dennis with his new marble set.

Dennis makes friends with Lucy at Grandma Kathy's house.

With the weight I've lost I can fit into skinny jeans now!!

I want to play a harmonica in a laundry basket.

Dennis is very interested in his tadpoles Nonnie got him for Christmas.

Eet's fun to "babysit".... oh was that lame?

Better get used to being surrounded by beautiful women, Dennis.  Try not to look too scared the next time it happens.

Back at our apartment in Sierra Vista.

He said "don't interrupt me, I'm talking to Grandma".

2012 Smith Family picture

Pretty Smith ladies

2012 Anderson Family picture

Dennis loves his Grandma and Papa

These are the lovely roses Scott got me for Valentine's Day!