Okay it's time to be honest with myself - I'm no pixie! Not now, nor will I ever be, but the fact remains that the 100 pounds extra that I gained when I had the baby remains on my body not because of him, but because I continued to keep up the crazy neurotic eating habits I had when I was "eating for two". I've been struggling for two and a half years to lose the weight I put on by trying to exercise more and eating right, but the daily struggle I already had with finding enough time for working, performing my calling, visiting teaching, cleaning my house, chasing after Dennis etc., etc., was directly conflicting with the extra time and energy I needed to buy and make healthy food and getting up early to exercise. Not only was it extremely difficult to keep up the motivation I needed to get up at like 3:30a.m. to do that stuff, but when I did work up the determination to do it, my efforts fizzled out after a week or two because I lost focus. Then, because I'm a comfort eater, I suppose, I would have a lovely chocolate binge to make myself feel better and of course, that undid anything I managed to accomplish the previous weeks.
So I go to my endocrinologist about three and a half weeks ago and she tells me that my blood sugars have been terrible, and I agree and I told her I" don't check my sugars as often as I need to, and I get lost in my other daily routines." She tells me I've gained 11 pounds since the last visit. I said "I'm shocked", but I wasn't really. She tells me I need to step it up and she'll see me in three months. I said "Obviously that isn't working for me. I'm too much of a slacker. I need to see you once a month for butt-chewing." So I go back again on February 15, 2011.
Since then I have reinstated the proper diabetic habits, however, I was still having trouble losing weight!
I realized that yes, I do eat to deal with the stress and emotional downs in my life and I knew that that needed to stop. I realized that if I need to get up early to exercise and I was still having trouble, I could turn to the Lord for help. I realized that part of my problem was I was only thinking short-term. I was thinking "Okay I only need to lose 'x' amount of pounds to get to the point where I'm healthy again". But now I know that this needs to be a long term commitment or it won't last, and that means changing my lifestyle, not just "dieting". And changing your lifestyle is uncomfortable and up to that point I had not been willing to give up my comforts, Now it was easier for me to wrap my head around what I was doing and I have been successfully following a diet and exercise plan without losing focus or steam since last week, and once I get to my ideal weight, I plan to only moderately adjust that plan so that I can always maintain that weight.
Also, last Sunday a talk was given by Sister Workman (who by the way is an absolutely wonderful speaker - everytime she speaks the Spirit touches my heart). Her whole talk was very inspiring, but she said a couple of things that were also very meaningful to me. 1) That we must always be moving to the Light of the Lord, or we are moving away from it, even if we don't consciously believe we are doing so. She used the example of a slinky and an escalator. She said that it was possible to walk up an escalator that was moving down, but the minute you stand still, the escalator moves you back down to the floor. 2) That we are not supposed to be at a certain "point" by the time we leave this life. Everyone is different, has different circumstances, situations, trials and problems. There is not some universal standard one has to meet in order to be able to live with God again. For some reason, the second comment lifted this burden off of me. I always compare myself to those Sisters who are more righteous than myself, to those who I could only wish in my wildest dreams to become, and it has always brought me down to know that I will never become like them, because it just doesn't seem possible for me. I realized that I could give myself a break, as long as I was always trying to move up that escalator, spiritually, and (in the case of my weight loss struggle) physically.
I hope that I am able to follow through this time with my goals. I hope that by making these goals public I will be more responsible because I am trying to make myself more accountable. I just need everyone's encouragement, love and support. And a side note to my grandmother, encouragement does not mean to continue telling me that I'm fat. But it's okay, I know she does it in love!
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